An Open Letter To All Dads

Dear Dads Everywhere:
First off, happy Father’s Day! Believe it or not we do appreciate the dads in the world. I mean someone has to tell bad jokes, tell interesting stories, and cook dinner on the truck’s engine when we’re camping. But there are a few things teens wish dads knew. That’s all right, I’m here to help! First off, we’re more impressed if you get our names right than if you tell me that you walked uphill both ways to school “When I was your age.” Believe it or not, that thought sticks in our minds and we spend hours trying to figure out how that is possible. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been lying awake at 3:00 am and thought: “Did I finish my schoolwork? Yes. Did I feed my pets? Yes. I wonder what my friends are up to. What was that thing Dad said? Uphill both ways? How does that even…?”Alarm goes off. Dad, really? Second, remember that little red two-inch pocket knife you gave me when I was nine? Chances are, I still have it in my drawer somewhere. I may or may not have told you, but when I was nine, that thing was my pride and joy. Almost like you and your truck now. (Maybe not that extreme.) I brought it everywhere. Even to church. (Don’t tell mom!) I knew Chrissie’s mom would freak out if I held it up so I just kept it in my bag and wore my usual guilty smile. Oh and how could we forget the dad jokes! Okay, I’ll give you credit, some of your jokes were actually funny. When I repeated them to my co-workers, and they said I was a genius! But your other jokes? How do I put this politely… If it’s a pun, it’s fun, if it’s a song, it’s wrong. Please don’t write dad parodies unless you’re Tim Hawkins. Also, I hate to be the one to break the news to you, especially because I know this is one of your favorite jokes, but after the age of ten, we don’t think it’s funny when you try to steal our food. We just awkwardly stand there while you grab our plate and slowly give it back. Also, let me tell you the scariest thing that happens to every teen: We’re away from home, when a problem comes up and as I either crack a joke about it or pull out my multi tool to fix it, a scary thought comes to mind. A terrifying thought. If you’re a teen, don’t read this late at night or alone. Are you ready? I thought, “I sound like my dad!” Shocking right? I start wondering if I’m going to start wearing plaid shirts every day?. Am I going to wear sweater vests? Will I even start using fanny packs? Or say “the” Facebook? Where did I go wrong?